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The French writer, filmmaker and director Virginie Despentes said: “Sexual desire is a mechanism that is not complicated to set in motion. However, the libido is complex, what it says about me doesn’t always please me, it doesn’t always fit with what I would like to be. But I can prefer to know, instead of hiding my head and saying the opposite of what I know about myself to preserve a reassuring social image.
Do we really know what our libido says about us, what excites us and what we like in sexual matters? Do we have any idea of what our erotic personality is like or do we limit ourselves to adopting attitudes, behaviors or practices that we see in porn, that our partners suggest to us or that friends tell us that they have done with surprising results? By erotic personality it is not necessary to understand the fastest path to orgasm, but our way of being sexual, which is different and unique in each individual, like a fingerprint.
Knowing yourself sexually can be compared to being aware of what suits you or what does not suit you, aesthetically speaking. You can dedicate yourself exclusively to following fashion trends, buying what is available in stores according to the season, dressing like your friends or wearing what your partner likes; regardless of your body structure or personal tastes. The result will be to have passed through the life of normcore, disguised, without its own style and, in the worst case, made a mess. But when you know your body, what suits you or not, what colors and shapes favor you and create your own style, we can say that, in terms of aesthetics, you have not only given the best of yourself but have contributed to the existence of a more eclectic, extravagant, colorful and fun world. Sexually speaking, most people fall into the group of those who go with the flow without questioning almost anything. And if they are asked what they understand by erotic personality, they will say yes, “they are doing well and they like to fuck a lot”. End of the question.
But the question continues, because knowing each other erotically means knowing what sex represents for each one. Have a slight idea of how we would like to live and explore our sexuality. Know the responses of the body and mind to different stimuli. Being able to glimpse what we have in our heads, just before the libido shoots up. Analyze, with some distance, the fantasies. And, among many other things, determine which atmosphere is most suggestive for these matters: love, security, strength, power, domination, submission, danger, or the unknown. The good news is that you can meet sexually for free, spending a quarter of the time per day that we spend working for Mark Zuckerberg for free on social media. With the difference that our sexuality is much more grateful and, furthermore, it does not censor us, quite the contrary.
“Most people start exploring their erotic personality when they have a problem. In the event that there is no disorder, they do not even consider it; and when talking about having a fuller sexuality, commonly, it refers to the fact of carrying out many activities and practices. Never to the idea of living a more conscious sexuality”, explains Francisca Molero, gynecologist, sexologist, director of the Ibero-American Institute of Sexology and president of the Spanish Federation of Sexology Societies. How then can one begin to explore the erotic personality? For Molero, it means “being present”: “You have to start from a favorable situation, where there is calm and complicity, in order to explore bodily and sensory sensations, whether as a couple or alone. A search for pleasure without expectations, focusing on the moment and on what one feels”.
At the body level, in sexology there is what is called the erotic map, which is nothing more than locating the points and areas of personal bodily pleasure. No two erotic maps are the same, because it is not about focusing on the genitals but rather on the erogenous parts, those unexplored continents that must be discovered in the way of ancient explorers: with time, with or without help, and without Know very well what you are looking for. Where to play, what to play, how to play; always observing the basic rule from less to more. The elaboration of the erotic map itself can reveal to us that we have sensitivity in our scalp, and that we like to be caressed or pulled hard. Or that the inner face of the arms and thighs prefer circular, slow and upward movements. The body has its own methamphetamine factory, you just have to figure out how to turn it on.
The erotic personality becomes more subtle at the mental level and the state of mind that connects more with the sexual would be, in the words of Francisca Molero, “motivation”. “Be motivated and the periodicity; since we are animals of habit and if we spend a long time without activating our sexual channel it will cost us more to enter it. There are also many things from day to day that connect us with that wave. Everything that has to do with the sensory and the pleasurable, such as being outdoors, bathing in the sea, dancing, listening to music”.
Erotic fantasies have always been interpreted as a courtesy of the unconscious that provides an open window to our true sexual personality; But you don’t have to trust them 100% either. As Valérie Tasso says in her anti manual of sex (Temas de Hoy, 2008): “When we ask ourselves: ‘What do I want to do?’, it answers our desire. When we ask ourselves: ‘What am I capable of imagining?’, our fantasy responds”.
“Sexual fantasies are very good for learning, since the brain is a plastic organ and sometimes it is difficult for it to distinguish between reality and fiction,” says Molero. “Therefore, there is no need to put labels because thought is not action and also, generally, they are closely related to transgression, with what is prohibited, with what we have been told gives us more pleasure, and not always with our real tastes. ”.
Changes over time
It must also be taken into account that this erotic personality changes over time, the years and the different partners, which can awaken certain instincts or desires. And here are located those comparative grievances that one can suffer with the ex, of the guy: “You never wanted to have a threesome with me; And now you tell me that a month after meeting Pablo, come on, come on!” Our way of being sexual is therefore dynamic and interactive; and what we liked at 20 may stop liking at 40, or vice versa.
After years of research, sexologist Jaiya, author of books such as Red Hot Touch and Cuffed, Tied and Satisfied, He made a broad classification of erotic personalities into five groups: energetic, sensual, sexual, quinqui and changing. Of course, generally most of us have traits of all of them.
- The energetic personality is characteristic of hypersensitive people, who can reach orgasms almost without touching themselves. They like gentle caresses, eye contact, going slow and for this group it is imperative that there is some emotional connection in sex. Breathing is an important element to consider.
- The sensual give great importance to the senses, they like to surround themselves with beauty and for them the atmosphere becomes so important in the erotic field (candles, music, adequate light) that, if it does not meet certain requirements, it can put an end to sexual arousal. . This group enjoys covering their eyes with a blindfold, giving or receiving massages, or playing with the hot-cold effect.
- Sexual people have frequent relationships, are easily aroused and use sex as a means of relaxation. Visual images and bodies are powerful arousals, and orgasm is pursued through genital stimulation and intercourse.
- The quinqui personality, however, is attracted to weird, unusual, forbidden things and everything that takes them out of their comfort zone. This group attaches great importance to psychology and fantasies, although its members may feel guilty or repress their preferences as immoral or reprehensible.
- And finally, the changelings are those that mix characteristics of the five classes. They like to have diverse experiences and are usually very influenced by their partners.
Taking the time necessary to discover one’s own erotic personality will not only make us enjoy sex more and get to know each other better, both sexually and as human beings, but also make us choose our partner better and know how to properly communicate our desires. And, of course, we will contribute to a more exciting, lustful and sexy.
Rita Abundancia is a journalist, sexologist and author of the web RitaReport.net.
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