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I know few people happy with their sexuality, and not only the current one, but in general. Their reports of work lives, sorry, sexual, are unfavorable. Almost all of them would have liked to have more sex, with more people, to be more uninhibited, not to have had so many complexes about their bodies, which now, reviewing photos of their youth, look spectacular. A small minority, who have exhausted their sexuality to the maximum, intones “they take away my dance”, although inside they yearn for a little more weight and depth in their relationships, because copulating is an exercise that is also tiring.
I see people in their 50s and 60s, without a partner and with little hope of ever finding one. Many think that it is already too late for Tinder and drown their nights of desire with Netflix or Pornhub. Even so, it’s hard to silence their erotic Jiminy Cricket that reminds them how little they do for their frustrated sex life as the days go by. There are more and more middle-aged couples, and even young people, without sex. They get along, they love each other, but the bed is only for sleeping. They stay together, aware that every night is another missed opportunity, until, perhaps, one day they will go to therapy to unravel the causes of this mysterious phenomenon.
Frustration. According to the dictionary, “impossibility of satisfying a need or desire. Feeling of sadness, disappointment and disillusionment that this impossibility causes”. We can feel frustrated in many areas of our lives (work, financial, family, relational), but sexual dissatisfaction weighs more, because in the playground of life is where it hurts the most not to be able to run and have to content yourself with watching. “I would say that now there is more sexual frustration than in the days of our parents or grandparents,” says Xud Zubieta, a clinical psychologist, sexologist and director of the Zubieta Psychological and Sexological Center in Valencia. “Obviously, we have more freedom, but there is also more information, from very early stages and not always well managed, and that creates very high expectations. By not being able to comply with them, if the dissatisfaction is maintained over time, frustration ensues”.
Very few people go to the sexologist because they feel sexual frustration, but, as Miren Larrazabal, clinical psychologist, sexologist and president of SÍSEX (International Society of Specialists in Sexology) maintains, “both dissatisfaction and frustration are two emotions that are usually accompanied and they are difficult to treat in consultation because, in addition, they modify and alter the dysfunction”. In these cases, she continues, “anxiety is also present and makes the approach not only sexual, but also psychological. Often, this is the most complex, working on the emotional part that accompanies the dysfunction and that has a lot to do with a lack of self-esteem or that is rooted in a series of insecurities”.
But, in addition, sexual dissatisfaction ends up, over time, materializing and incarnating itself to swell the world of the living. According to Francisca Molero, a gynecologist, sexologist, director of the Ibero-American Institute of Sexology and president of the Spanish Federation of Sexology Societies, it ends up affecting the sexual response. “One begins to control everything in a cognitive way and what we least need during a sexual relationship is control, because then we will stop feeling,” she argues. “By blocking the sexual response we tend to carry out compensatory maneuvers, which will only make the situation worse. Problems arise so as not to repeat unwanted scenarios and early attention is established, which is the number one enemy of pleasure”.
The Buddhists already said it: “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” In sexual matters, as in so many others, the most difficult thing is not to deal with a problem, but to dismantle the theatrical drama into acts that we have built, over time, with its sets, characters and monologues. A very repeated dissatisfaction, in these times, and which often leads to frustration, is that of not being able to find a partner, anguish that increases over the years. After failed mating attempts, increasingly shorter and surreal, the person may even end up developing a certain aversion to the sex that is the object of his desires. At the same time, society offers an endless number of clichés, insults and prejudices, without profit, to apply to the couple that never existed, from the “menopausal crazy” to the “heteropatriarchal machirulo”. How many serial killers have led solitary lives and zero success in erotic matters! Don’t laugh, there is no shortage of serious studies linking sexual frustration to violence, aggression and crime, like one published in the Journal of Criminal Justice in 2021.
“The lack of possibilities to be with another person or failed relationships cause what I call the three cursed Rs: anger, resentment and resentment. But here, more than projecting all this on the other, the most intelligent thing is introspection”, Larrazabal points out. “It is essential to have a good relationship with oneself, work on one’s personal self and not fill the existential void with a relationship that, due to our shortcomings, will tend not to work”, says Zubieta.
Molero acknowledges that more and more shipwrecked people in the universe of dating applications come to his office. “Yes, because, in addition, there is the idea that they work, that they allow you to meet a lot of people and that many have found a partner there. So the clumsiness in this area already seems inexcusable. Even though sex is relatively easy, it’s also frustrating because it’s not a sex that fills them up, but rather leaves a void. I always advise the same thing: to return to the analog world, to use your social network, your friends, who are the ones who can introduce you to new people; or that they sign up for groups of pleasant activities shared with strangers (hiking, dancing, sports)”.
There is an infallible recipe to stop worrying about something: remove the “pre” prefix, take action and get busy. Even if we don’t get immediate results, knowing that we are addressing the problem will immediately remove us from the club of the frustrated. Silence, waiting for the other to take the first step, self-sacrifice or looking the other way will only fatten the monster of dissatisfaction. This is very evident in couples in which some of the members, or both, are dissatisfied with their sexual life. There is no other option than to talk about it, reach agreements and, if you are not able to find solutions, seek help.
In it top ten Of the problems that can frustrate us sexually, is there a gender bias? Larrazabal and Zubieta maintain that reaching this state depends, above all, on the personality of the individual. And rigid, self-demanding people with a tendency to see the bottle half empty have many ballots to torment themselves if their expectations are not met. Without ruling out the previous thesis, Molero believes that “gender stereotypes are still very much in force.” “That is why men are very obsessed with making the grade, in the functionality of the organ, because we continue with the idea that the erection is directly related to masculinity. And this happens to both heterosexuals and homosexuals alike. The role of women, however, is less obvious. If she has little arousal or does not orgasm, she can hide it. The sexual function in women is not so directly related to femininity, as in men ”, he assures.
Of course, the above does not imply an antidote to female sexual frustration, since misunderstood equality between the sexes also brings the duties and traumas of the opposite sex. According to Zubieta, “women have empowered themselves, but they have also adopted masculine responsibilities. The fact of being perfect, of giving 100%, of not being able to fail, of always being ready, are new tasks to be carried out”.
“The sexual response model in neoliberal society,” Larrazabal stresses, “is that men must always be willing and give their all. Meanwhile, they have to enjoy themselves and be multi-orgasmic. The feminine ghost of frustration is not enjoying sex as it should. This clashes with reality for many women, who do not quite understand their sexual response, or for some male partners, who are unaware that they are going another way and that they require more erotic play. Why, if I’m with someone I like, don’t I have the excitement that I should have? This is the question that torments most women and that can lead to frustration. In this scenario, many people venture to try new relationships (polyamory, open couples), but not so much out of curiosity or the desire to experience new things, but as an attempt to make things work and it shouldn’t. “These models should not be reached because of the frustration of monogamy, but because of the opportunity to visit other territories of pleasure,” says this expert.
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